Swimming or Flailing?

I've been swimming for about 9 months.  A normal swim day usually consists of anywhere between 16 and 24 laps.  I'm ready to step up my speed and my form.  Here is my sad story for the day.

Andrea and I met at the pool.  I had a plan from BeginnerTriathlete.com that involved a buoy and a board. The website said that if I do these drills they would help with my speed. I had brought the workout, but I forgot the mechanics.

I tried to explain it to Andrea, who just looked at me like I was a moron and said, "I'm just gonna do some laps."

Warm up - one lap (up and back), freestyle - no prob.

Now came the board.  I read on the website that the feet should paddle short and quick kicks, slapping the surface, and only about 6-12 inches into the water.  You hold the board out in front.  I was cool with that.  I just couldn't figure out if I was supposed to keep my head in the water or hold it up.  At first I tried keeping it down and taking breaths every few minutes but I began making an inchworm sort of motion and pretty soon the lap lanes resembled a wave pool.  I decided to keep my head up.

I felt like I was actually moving at the SPEED of an inchworm.  It was pretty hard stuff, lots of heavy breathing.  I did this for 2 laps - that's all I could stand.

Next, I tried the bouy.  I know it goes between my legs, I just forgot where.  I started off with it pretty high.  I couldn't remember if I was supposed to kick at all or just pull myself with my arms.  So I was kind of trying to kick and swim at the same time with this bouy between my thighs.  I stopped because it was so ridiculous.  I put it lower.  WAY lower, like between my ankles.  That lasted for two strokes and it popped up out of the water.  By now I'm sure the lifeguard thought, "This lady can't be for real"!!!

I put it between my knees and away I went.  I lasted one lap because my arms were about to fall off.

NEXT...you're supposed to take a stroke and bring the arm down to the side while one arm remains above, kick 6 times, bring the arm back up and do the other side.  I resembled a rolling walrus.  Couldn't breathe, thrashed around...nixed that one too.

There is a video on the website on how to do the turn around. To learn, do a flip facing the wall in the shallow end.  Gradually inch up closer to the wall until you are at an arm's length.  During the last part of the flip, you can push off the wall with your feet. I did this about 8 times.  I finally got close enough to the wall to shove off of it.  That was fun, but I'm not sure I can do that in the deep end!

I had read about proper swim form. To get in position, float on your stomach, body relaxed.  If your legs are sinking, you're not relaxed.  Arch the back a bit and tuck the stomach.  Or was it tuck the back and arch the stomach?!?  I tried it.  The legs sank.  I re-adjusted  - voila!  I took off, trying to keep this form. 

Time for some laps.  I can swim freestyle pretty well, but I'm afraid I've probably developed some bad habits along the way - like only breathing on one side.  I decided to try to breathe on my left side as well. More walrusness, as well as sinking and swallowing large amounts of pool water.

I finished my laps - ended up with 17. 

We only have to do five for the race.  Why am I making a big deal out of this?  Because I want to use proper form, improve swim time, burn calories, be fit, and be the best I can!  I think I need help. DUH!!!